Reason #5 to Lose Weight: Transportation Seats or Baby Got Back

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got
Make Me so horney
Ooh, rump of smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my benz
Well use me, use me cuz you aint that average groupie

I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's Sweat,Wet, got it goin like a turbo vette

I'm tired of magazines
Saying flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back

So Fellas (yeah) Fellas(yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the butt (hell yeah)
Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt
Baby got back

Oh, Sir Mix-A-Lot, you are in the minority, I fear.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Mostly, it has come to mind in the morning on the bus on the way to work. The 134 is crowded in the morning. It's bad enough to be bundled like Ralphie's little brother, Randy, from "A Christmas Story," but if you're fat, it's so much worse. You try to sit on an aisle. Or one of the front seats where you can lean off the edge. You can see the panic in the other bus riders eyes as you approach the last seat left on the bus. There's not enough space really for a little girl to sit, let alone you. Everybody squishes. Some people seem a little put out, but really the Lincoln Park crowd is too polite to do anything other than grimace.

I spend the rest of the trip convinced that my fellow riders are contemplating my weight. (They probably are.)

The CTA seats are currently 17.5 inches wide, but it seems that the typical CTA rider is growing wider than that: the newest buses are moving toward an 18 inch seat. There really isn't an option but to go with a larger seat: some of these riders are WAY bigger than me. However, the new configuration eliminates the possibility of oozing into the aisle, which could be problematic. The point is that I am not alone in my dread of the seats. (Apparently, I am also not alone in my disgust of Blagojevich's idiotic plan to give senior citizens free rides on the CTA on the eve of a shut-down due to lacking of financing. I'm glad to see this gross misuse of funds might be eliminated. Sorry, Grandma, you've got to pay to ride.)

Whilst I've been dreading the CTA seats, Kevin Smith has been fighting the friendly skies. This is my nightmare. This is his podcast.

Kevin Smith 'Too Fat' to Fly Southwest

By Bob Meadows

Sunday February 14, 2010 04:10 PM EST

Kevin Smith, sitting on a second Southwest Air flight

Courtesy Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith's most famous role is a guy who rarely speaks. But he's got a lot to say – much of it profane – after being kicked off a Southwest Air flight because he didn't fit comfortably into the seat.

"You [messed] with the wrong sedentary processed-foods eater!" Smith, whose next film,Cop Out, comes out Feb. 26, posted on Twitter.

It was one of many Tweets recounting the actor/director's humiliating expulsion Saturday from the Oakland-to-Burbank, Calif. flight. Southwest said in a statement airline officials had called Smith to offer their "heartfelt apologies," but also stated his removal was for the "safety and comfort of all customers."

Smith, 39, originally purchased two tickets "as he's been known to do when traveling Southwest," the airline noted, but when he decided to fly standby on an earlier flight, only one seat remained. Although he had been seated, he was asked to leave.

"If a customer cannot comfortably lower the armrest and infringes on a portion of another seat, a customer seated adjacent would be very uncomfortable and a timely exit from the aircraft in the event of an emergency might be compromised if we allow a cramped, restricted seating arrangement," Southwest said.

I'm Fat

Smith, who played Silent Bob in his Clerks movies and who has battled his weight for years – "I know I'm fat," he confesses – was given a $100 voucher and arrived in Burbank on a later flight. But he was in no mood to accept an apology.

"I broke no regulation, offered no 'safety risk' (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?)" he Tweeted. "I saw someone bigger than me on THAT flight! But I wasn't about to throw a fellow Fatty under the plane as I'm being profiled. But he & I made eye contact, & he was like 'Please don't tell...'"

After landing in Burbank, Smith wrote, "Don't worry: wall of the plane was opened & I was airlifted out while Richard Simmons supervised."

Smith added that while the ordeal was embarrassing, his "Jersey Girl training" (the 2004 flop starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez was helping him cope.